natalieee // linGz.
.ilu* lizhao =) #
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
5. long or short hair: short!! guys with long hair look gay! =X
Thursday, September 30, 2004
i duno how to describe this feeling. its as if i just woke up n realised my soul, my spirit, is gone. that enthusiasm in which i do things.. its gone. nowadays, im just living on a routine of slp, eat. and maybe work. but theres gotta be so much more to life than this aint it ?
i just feel so numb inside. its like nth can surprise mi anymore. ive seen more than i wanted of this world. so much so that it just washes over mi. i know i shldnt feel this way. after all, im only 16. i have more than half my life to go. but, wads da point exactly ?
i once told miself, my aim in life is to make sure that im happie n that when i die, i`ll die with no regrets. is that even a proper aim ? all arnd mi, ppl are aspiring to be doctors, musicians n da likes. wheras for mi.. where do i stand ? 10yrs down da rd, where do i see miself ? i honestly do not know.
i know ive changed. n i know ive changed alot. believe mi, i miss Me too. but that yiling 5yrs ago is forever lost to da world. this girl in front of u right now, is just an empty body without a soul. i look at da past drawings i did, all those poems i wrote before.. n i really wonder. who am i now ? i wish i knew.
i feel like right now im just wasting away my time on earth, simply awaiting da day when death comes..
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
they dont understand da precarious teeter-totter on which a suicidal person balances, shuffling reasons to live n reasons to die back n forth to avoid hitting bottom.
they dont understand that when ure that low, when u cant see beyond urself n ur fallen-apart world, its da little things that send u over da edge, not da big things.
and sometimes, its da littlest things that keep u going too..
Sunday, September 26, 2004
cos yesterday. full day at jurongeast rite.. i do til i really sian diao lo. its like, da job has no challenge at all? even if work whole day, not a single sense of acheivement or anything ? too dull le la. then i kept thinking n thinking, in da end decided that i cant continue this way lo. its really going against my Liang Xin.. then everytime work til so buay song. heh.
so when candy came over to je, i told her larr. then she was like, "til tml can ? gimme one day first." BUT.. i think she secretly veh buay song lo.. cos after that, she called n said 9pm i can go off le, then tml also no need come anymore. lolz. also cannot blame her la.. cos its like, i told her im working long term.. then i work 1wk only then dunwan le. moreover i was sposed to take over da wdlands shop on mon tues n wed cos ahkim on leave mah.. then now she has to transfer ppl all over again.
da job really sux tho. kinda glad to be rid of it.
but da thing is.. my bank left only $6.87 now. boo hoo hoo. and im jobless..? oh gosh.
on da bright side tho.. im now free everyday once again. wahaha.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
16 Sept 04. Thurs. i went tampines mall n white sands alone lo..
17 Sept 04. Friday. wenta east coast with ahTian. then watched midnite de Dodgeball at plaza sing.
18 Sept 04. Sat. Started work at Giovanna. 10am to 10pm. after work went to teckwhye. joined cin, sheng n hong. watched em doing maths while i rotted like nobody`s business -.-"
19 Sept 04. Sunday. went to work feeling zombiefied. went home n crashed on bed.
20 Sept 04. Monday. new stock came. then i Kan Shang a pair of da white heels.. ta-da ! bought my first pair of heels =) lol.
21 Sept 04. boring la. this job sux lorhh.. =X its like, cafe is a 1000x better ! hahaa. this job 1) too boring. 2) hrs too long. 3) cant control mi own schedule. i miss cafe ! (esp da chefs. hahaha.)
hmm. need to tahan da job for at least 3 or 4mths lidat. altho i told miself before that i`d change a job once every 6mths.. but i dont think i`d be able to take it la. this job really too sux liao. 12hrs standing ! cannot sit down lorh. haiyErr. hellish.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
hmm. i tell u ar. i really hate this kinda job interviewing thingy lorhh. its like, after da interview n wadever.. still need wait for em to call. thats da worst part, thinking they`ll nv call. so i waited n waited.. and then today. arnd 5pm. received call from Gaga de person. saying sat can start work.. i was like, ooook. altho not really keen on it cos of da low pay n short hrs, but wad choice do i have ? so i said sure ~ and then, 7pm. received call from da shoe shop. but told her i alrdy found a job le.
hang up le. thinking n thinking. wah lao i dunwan work at bpplaza lehh. lol. in da end, called up da shoeshop person n told her i want da job. wahaha. after confirming everything, called da gaga person next to say im giving up da job. wheee. i feel like a badass =P
so ya. only one day of freedom left. tomorrow. cos im gonna be working fulltime there. meaning 1day off per wk. awww. im gonna miss my freedom. shucks ~
but theres da money yah. theres commission on top of basic pay. just try it out la. maybe 6mths later or wad quit n find new job again. wahaha.
tml. going east coast ! whoopee. havent been there in like sooooo many hundred yrs can. hmm. hopefully dont get lost or sumth, if not ahTian`s really gonna knock mi head. hahaha. think hes da one chef ive kept close contact with. xiaoQiang they all like so obsessed with work de ? bleahs.
well almost 3am. im still awake. no surprise there huh. maybe one of these days, im gonna try not slping for a whole day/nite so that my biological clock would get back to norm. gee wldnt that be fun ? ima look like a frickin zombie. altho i alrdy look like one now.. oh well.
shall be going alone to tampines mall later. havent been there in too long laa.. kinda miss da place. n white sands too. a 2hr bustrip away ! wheee ~ bus67. i pity da poor bus driver. hahaa. its bad enough being da passenger. at least u can alight as n when u feel like it. imagine as driver u gotta sit thru 2hrs to n fro everyday. gosh.
well altho im going alone.. i wldnt mind some company =D anyone ? doubt it larr. cos im leaving from hse at 1pm. moreover which idiot wld willingly sit thru a 2hr busride for mi ? rite ?? ya well expectedly. whatever. alone can be fun too ~ just as long as u get used to it. and i am. believe mi, i am. im so used to being alone nowadays that i wonder if i`ll turn out to be an anti-social psychopath someday down da road.
*maniacal laughter
can someone hyponotise mi please ? *whines. cos im really living oppositely.. as in. daytime im asleep. nighttime im awake. its just not normal ! yeepp.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
this is crap.
zzz.
feel like going shopping, but aint got da money. wanna go down to da beach, noone to pei mi. go out rot alone is damn boring.
man this sucks.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
hmm. lately keep going out.. but. prelims tml le >.<" so now.. can only pull ahTian they all pei mi go out ? doubt swiss ppl wld be bothered much abt mi when they have that huge load of stress hanging above their heads. not that i blame em la ~ but sometimes its just kinda sad how little we see of each other. they keep saying after o lvls go out, but when da time comes.. will they really remember mi ?
dreams dont come true. i`d rather not have dreams at all, cos all they do is bring disappointment. dreams are just dreams..
Friday, September 10, 2004
then went plaza. asked da Ice Lemon Tee.. but da lady said im too young. zz. 16yrs old doesnt mean cannot talk cannot serve ppl rite ?? biased.
saw junwei at roibo working o.O
im desperate til da point i feel like going to citilink de Nooch n ask lorrhh.. cos ellen there. lolz ~ but i dunwan do waitressing again.. haiss.
but no matter wad, shall keep to mi promise that i wont work at fast food restaurants, and shall not return to hyatt either.
i really need a job tho. da money in mi bank is sinking low ..
Thursday, September 09, 2004
anyhoos. yesterday late afternoon, joined cin at woodlands lib. cos she say study alone veh boring, then ask mi pei her.? but then she doing her work that time, i also dont dare talk much. hahaz. just cos da o lvls are none of mi concern anymore doesnt give mi a right to prevent others from studying.. so i just quietly read mi storybk lo.
then went dinner at pastamania.. after that went round n round in cwp lo. then took 960 to bpplaza, went macs. she study n i read mi bk again. lol. after that 10+ lidat pack bag everything. but still sit there.. cos both too lazee to move. hoho. after that received call from junhong.. awhile later he n wansheng came join us.
hmm.. when macs closed, went phoenix kpt rot lo. then da two guys.. omg lorr. so lame. bleahx. sit there rot n crap til 2. then walked home with sheng. cin went with jh, cos they both live teck whye. during da walk home, sheng asked if i really not intending study anymore ? somemore still say.. he feels that i actually have da ability to study de, just that i dunwan.
weeeelll.. maybe so. but.. my heart really cant take it anymore.. u noe ? each time i mugged so hard for exams, i end up with disappointment. each paper i failed, its like another blow to my already battered soul. so why not just save da few hundred bucks n cast out o lvls altogether ? cos if i took em.. n failed.. im just scared of da pain i`d go thru. n on top of that, i still need to witness my frens jumping with joy with their straight A s results ? i wont be able to deal with all that.. call mi a coward. but i`d prefer to just avoid everything n live mi own life.
i dont regret wad i did. its been 8mths n i havent once thought of going back. and i noe i wont regret in da future either, no matter wad ppl might think. this is my life, i live it da way i want it. if by chance next time i shld fail.. then thats my problem. i wont blame anyone. trust mi.
anyway, if i hadnt dropped out.. i wldnt have met all those wonderful ppl who looked after mi so well da past half year. hyatt cafe rawks ! =D
later going down to queensway with cin. hope i dont spend too much.. since im still jobless now -.-" i need a job ! haha.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
cos i noe.. at this kinda stage. its easy to ignore those emotions inside. for all i noe, this wld be over within a coupla mths. thats why im keeping quiet. im waiting for da wave to tide over. da day when i cld stop fantasizing abt wad cant n wont happen. cos i see that to u, im just a sis.
i duno when i started feeling this way. maybe its when u first cooked for mi. or when u didnt mind da nickname i gave. or even when da rumors were going on, yet u still talked to mi as per normal.
our paths crossed. for a while. yet now, circumstances are coming thru between. im just sorrie i didnt noe u better.
nth lasts forever. this too, shall pass.
Monday, September 06, 2004
yesterday. met cin 2pm and went hi tea at cafe ! hehehee. but.. when we arrive that time rite, so crowded. then da only space available was table55 >.<" so far away from buffet. bleahx. hmm.. then eat lo. cafe last day liaoz.. even when cafe reopens, also wont be da same ler. cos da times we spent n rmb are those of old cafe de. aiyahh nvm.
then i asked for jimmy`s num. cindy lar.. want his num dont dare ask. in da end i asked le she dunwan take. diaounz. and uncle seah treated us smoothies ! hehehe. after that sit there chit chat awile. stanley Da Ge kept walking over to di xiao us. hahaha. hmm.. we ate til so full lor. then asked uncle vincent for bill, cos he station 3 what. but.. he told us, FOC, FOC.. just go lar. waah we hear le, so shocked. haha. cooL sia.. eat free buffet =X somemore he still geh si.. say "har ? u all just now pay le wad ? pay le then gd la. go lor ~" hahaha. so touched manz..~
then went off.. rot all over orchard. then rot at bugis. hoho.. we went shopping ohh. shopping shld be considered a sin.. heh. i bought this huge bag, a polo tee n a pmk shirt. still on da lookout for mi ultra faded jeans, grafitti-ed skirt and ultra baggy jacket. duno when will find sia.. hurhur.
went cck rot. pestered jimmy to come over pei us also. haha. then we were like 3 idiots lidat.. sit at da table at da coffeeshop but nv talk. bored til cannot find things to talk liaoz ~ lol. then walk home as usual lo.. jimmy go look for his fren. so on sia ? midnite ler still look for fren. somemore he working morning da next day. power ~
today.. watched movie with ahTian. 3pm on da dot i was already waiting outside hyatt le. hahaha. wait n wait n wait. i saw ahGong !! hehehe. so shuai ~ he wore yellow shirt sia.. attract attention =X i miss mi ahGong ~ haha. then found out that all da chefs transferred to room service liao. d0tx.
finally ahTian come liao. he kept trying to dissuade mi from watching Face.. cos he scaredy cat. lolz. took bus to plaza sing lo. buy da tic.. then theatre 9. gosh.. da same theatre where i lost my hp last time. then thruout da movie i kept checking to see if mi hp still with mi anort. hahaha. once bitten twice shy mah. i scared history repeat ~
eee Face not nice one lor. da ghost.. only appear a few times nia ! tot is horror movie.. but not scaree one. hrmph. after that from plaza sing.. go jP. wahaha. so far away. by da time we reach there, 8pm liao. lol ~ then eat dinner.. walk arnd. saw this jacket at B.U.M. damn baggy.. quite nice worh ~ 53bucks. still considering.. but try to see if can find nicer ones first. if not i regret.. hehe. cos espirit also got a jacket abt same price. but that jacket not baggy de.. da XL also like just fit mi -.-"
walk walk walk. walk til all da shops close le.. then nth to do. haha. oh ya, da pet shop. omg got one baby corgi damn cute ! hehehee.
tml ? nth to do ehh.. think i go back jp bahh. cos today, i only went in n out of shops.. weird shopping with guy arnd wad. so tml shld be go back look more thoroughly lo. interested to pei mi ? haha.
i rmb how we met.. thru that idert xiaokang. haha. there was once, march hols that time.. i was rotting alone at plaza. then got too bored, so called xiaokang down to pei mi. but who noes, he brought zw along too ? so yeah. thats how zw n i knew each other.
then thru out da march hols, followed by sars hols. zw n i started hanging out with each other. bpplaza, lot1, bangkit. can still recall that time he had a nickname, oxy. haha. then during that time, also had bryan. in da beginning, those two so krazee over warcraft. everytime in lan shop pia. then leave mi alone to entertain miself. hmm.. but sars hols that time. everytime met up with bry n zw to revise for exams, do hols assignments n so on. really fun times lorhh..
i rmb once, i was veh upset abt something n didnt wanna go home. even tho i kept telling him to go home n that i`ll be fine, he insisted on pei-ing mi. moreover that time his mom kept calling him lo.. made mi so touched. hahax.
then my bday last yr.. 2days before mid yrs. tried so hard but cldnt find anyone willing to come out pei mi.. thank god for zw ? but also felt quite guilty, cos at that time, already nighttime. abt 7-8pm lidat bahh ? then his mom dont let him out de.. but he still defy his mom n barged outta hse for mi.. was really really touched by this gesture. when he told mi wad happened, my heart pratically melted.. hahaha.
late that nite. received sms from him.. in a veh unsure tone, asking mi to be his gf.. of cos i agreed. how cld i not, after all he did ? so we were together.. 14May03.
then rmb during 1st wk of exams that time.. i always quickly do finish da papers, nv even bothering to check. cos i wanted to do identical frenship bands for us as our 1st wk together. had to finish 2 bands within a wk.. so everytime got free time just pia da bands. needless to say, my results were like shit. lolz.
and there was once, after a counselling session with mr tan boon cheng. i was asking zw wad mr.tan asked mi. 'wads da point in living ? wad do u live for ?" and he replied, [to play]. before hesistating a bit n added [and you..]. so sweet rite ? =)
then there was da walk every morning to his busstop. supposedly shld meet at my busstop n go to sch together, but as hes always late, i took to walking over to his instead. and buying pau every morning for him. i know he felt guilty that he always made mi walk over to his busstop.. but seriously. i really didnt mind. i nv blamed him for anything..
other than da frenship band.. also had rings.. those cheap cheap kind, plain ones. engraved each other`s name on it.
and i finally realised how deep my feelings were when i promised him not to cut myself anymore. something which i`d always promised others before, yet nv kept my word. i kept mine to his tho.
until 23rdJune. broke up le. one mth after that, he took off da band. 5mths after that, still cldnt get over him. but i guess.. he nv really got over liking deb either ? last time i kept questioning miself.. was i just a sub for deb ?
then july. i realised i didnt noe wad to get for his bday present. even tho his bday was in sept.. but i guess i needed something to do. that time my one day allowance only 5bucks. but willingly starved everyday to save that 5bucks.. from july to sept. finally accumulated 200bucks. gave that, n a bottle of saga seeds, as his bday pressie. da saga seeds nearly had da death of mi.. haha. searched all over sg for em. first went holland. then sentosa. then this ulu place at jw. took damn long to finally fill up da bottle. blehs.
recently also took to wearing his ring on a silver chain, as necklace. altho already over it le.. but that short 1mth+ which we spent together.. and da mths of grieving i did after that.. will always remain etched deeply in mi heart. i noe, i`ll nv be able to Wei another guy Fu Chu as much as i did for zw. i can nv give up so much for someone else.. like i did before.
after da breakup, ppl kept telling mi. zw is not worth mi being sad over. i duno abt that.. but wad i do noe is. ive nv blamed him for anything, anything at all. even tho i think he nv fully appreciated all that i did for him.. ive nv hated him..
ermm. really sorrie for da long entry. just that suddenly had da urge to write down everything.. reminiscence.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
-Mr Right Survey-
1. hair color: hmm.. black streaked with brown? dont think i can bear going out with someone with striking red hair or sumth =X hehee..
2. eye color: dark brown bah.. [[psst. im a sucker for guys with beautiful eyes ^^]]
3. skin tone: doesnt really matter to mi~
4. six paCK: haha.. nah.. that`d mean hes an exercise freak.. i dun like exercising =S
6. piercings: er.. prob only one ear piercing.. dun think i`d like it if its on mouth or sumth.. looks weird~
7. scars: since ive quite a few.. it wldnt hurt for him to have some too! =P
8. big butt or little: doTx!
9. straight: duh! why wld i want a gay guy for a partner -.-
10. outgoing or shy: dont matter la, as long as not demanding..
11. sarcastic or sincere: haha.. sarcastic AND sincere. a lil sarcasm is nice at times~
12. should he have a best friend: doh!!
13. should he have lots of girl friends: its ok wad.. since ive a lot of guy frens. hahaz.
14. should he love his mother: not really.. since i dont like my family much.
15. should he watch guy movies: hmm? guy movies ?
16. be smart: hmm.. its ok bah, as long as dont belittle mi.. after all, ive only sec 3 edu! lolz.
17. be funny: yeah~ then can make mi laugh when im sad mah..
18. be sweet: yuppp.. definitely a must!
19. be a smoker: hmm.. i can accept if hes one, tho i`d prefer not.
20. drink: erm, no. i especially hate drunks btw.
21. play with your hair: this also need to say ? duno lar.
22. kiss on the first date: NO!
23. bring you flowers: haha.. nice~ i love receiving flowers.. altho only received once.
24. lay under the stars with you: cooL! hahaha.. i love stars mah, if can find a guy who loves da night sky too.. mmm..
25. write poetry about you: i dont mind =)
26. call you honey, sweetie, or baby: erm.. dear all those is ok la.. sweetie or baby too.. er.. too hair raising? =X
27. hang out with you and your friends: yeah.. its impt that mi frens like him too wad.
28. hold your hand: stoopid ques.
29. sing to you: er.. doTx?
30. WOULD HIS/HER INTERESTS BE:
surf: nah.. s`pore dont really have big waves to surf wad. diaounz~
snowboard: s`pore got snow meh??
singing: dont mind if he has nice voice, as long as dont make career outta it =X
play guitar: maybe.
play piano: dont really have preference on this~
play drums: yeah ~ drummers fascinate mi. haha.
dance: erm.. i duno how to dance.. sooo.. heh heh..
31. one last condition: wont leave mi for someone else =]
DISCLAIMER: all above answers are based on an IDEAL case. so..it doesn't mean anything if u don't qualify for any of them. lol~ *cheerios*
Thursday, September 02, 2004
[[[ hehehehe ! i rebonded mi hair lerh ! omg. i feel like a vain bitch now =D just lurvee mi hairr ~! hoho.
well. its 3.02am right now. past midnite, so that means i rebonded mi hair yesterday =) hmm.. actually, wanted to ask suelin they all. but it turns out they all pangseh mi as usual.. all not free. but i dont blame em lar.. prelims mah. if i still studying i also stressed. hahax. then i go miself lo. at first, didnt noe where to go de.. but did some researching online, saw on a forum that someone recommended this salon at yishun chong pang there ? so i decided to try out lo. hehe. went bpplaza first, then took 171 to yishun.
wahh. i go there. 4+ go, 7 lidat then go off ? lolx ! during that time duno wash mi hair soooo many times man. hmm. but time pass quite quickly bah. i got magazine + storybook to pei mi marhh. heh. finally when da person blow dry that time.. wahhh. i cldnt help but keep smiling ^^ then now mi fringe, like china doll lidat. mi sis say i look like model.. lol ~
actually, also not veh ex mah. 80bucks.. then i choose to steam mi hair also, so is +20. which`s 100bucks only. quite cheap worh. and i also bought this conditioner for mi hair.. 28. so total 128 nia. hurhur. moreover da ppl there are frenly =]
after that, went cwp rot.. pull xiaokang out pei mi rot. hahaha. poor thing leh he. always kenna bullied by mi =D then rot at cwp.. i eat mi breakfast+lunch+dinner. hahaha. after that wanted to watch movie, but like no movie watch ? so took bus to lot1 rot. then buy snack from cheers n sat at da pavement opp da 24hr coffeeshop at intg there. look like beggers lidat.. wahaha. sit there 1hr+, sit til mi butt pain sia. aiy0x.
then took last bus to bangkit KSL. i eat mi supper.. hahaha. i seem to keep eating nonstop. hungry ghost ~ hmm. then arrange with xiaokang, later 7am meet at mi busstop, go swiss together. he lar. cannot find ppl pon then resort to dragging mi to suffer with him. today teacher`s day celebration marhh. later sally chin see mi she faint arr. hoh0ho. after swiss if possible return to zps also. then go bugis gai gai. hehee. today shall be fun-filled ! =)
i miss da cafe chefs ~~ aww.. ]]]
then. after that.. continue from where i left off. i mentioned that i returning to swiss rite ? well i did go lar. woke up 6am just for that u noe.. slpt only 2hrs. gosh ~ then went back there, see em play games all those. didnt realise i miss mi frens so much =) hehe. then after that went bugis with xiaokang to rot.
then 1st sept. yesterday. went town with da ou xiang ! wahaha. he called mi pei mi watch movie, then since i also nth to do. go lor. hahax. go out with him so fun ~ really miss da old times manz =P mmm. then watched 13 going on 30. cool show ! some parts really hilarious. then also stopped by cafe for a while. oh ya, i wore this pair of new jeans yesterday. da bottom damn flare, but u noe wad ? mi legs too short. in da end da pants like so long. so i had to keep folding n folding up da bottom. wahaha. so irritated ~
then today. went back cafe again. timed mi arrival at 6pm, cos thats da time when daddy brings down da buffet food. wanted to return him da cds n books he lent mi marhs. hurhur. then talk talk with everyone awhile, after that went lot1 watch Anacondas with cin. hehe. i psycho her go watch one =X
that time 6.20 liaoz, then took cab cos i had to reach by 7pm. but, bke got accident, then traffic jam. so da uncle went clementi there. then there also got jam. maciam everywhere also jam, make mi so pek cek. aiyerr. but in da end, we were just in time lar. omg da show. damn nice ! hahahah. ppl, go watch ! its nice ~ after da movie, rot arnd a while. then decided to walk home. heh. crazee fellas. got bus dont take, still walk home. hahaha.
tml.. duno do wad lehx. nowhere to go lidat.. maybe date xiaoQiang out. haha. or ahTian n ahPeh. see first lar.