natalieee // linGz.
.ilu* lizhao =) #
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
gonna be antisocial again =)
only a few peeps will noe da new addy..
u want da addy ?
ask from mi ~
altho.. i might or might not give it to
(note da underline)
lalalas .. ~ x)
Thursday, February 24, 2005
my mouth is hurting. and my entire entry disappeared again ! darn u, blogger.
just came back from da dentist. and oh my god. my upper gums are caught between numbness n pain right now. n my whole mouth feels funny. cos da dentist gave mi jabs n numbed mi gums n drilled a hole in my front tooth ! hahaha. n then she filled it up with duno wad. n cleaned my teeth with duno wad too. and guess how much it cost ? 175bucks. 175 fricking bucks ! gawd. im paying to go thru pain. haha. in da end, paid 100 thru nets.. n then went down to find darl to borrow 75 from him. wahaha. n this means.. my bank acc is once again in single digit amount ! boo hoo.
my heart is so aching right now too.! cos this means even after i get my pay on da 3rd, no more shopping ! no more splurgin on food ! less going out ! and my wishlist shall be left there to rot. ughh.. -sobss.
my mouth hurtss !!
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
okayy. first things first. im giving a warning first.. sometime soon, im gonna be switching blogs.. n few ppl shall noe abt da new addy. just dont like too many ppl to come visiting laa.. being unfrenly as usual ? =Xalrite.. with that done with. talk abt yesterday first =)TUES. 22FEB`o5.met darl n we went bpplaza first.. erm. wait. wad did we go there for ? hmm.. oh yah. da dentist ! hahaha. sheesh. my memory.. getting from bad to worse. lolll. then made appointment.. thursday 7.15pm then get to see da dentist >.<" and to think i was so excited abt it ! eee.then took 963 to woodlands. bought da tics for Hide N Seek and went walking arnd lo.. went dinner at pastamania. hehe. pastamania again ~ i saw yunyun ! hurhur. she nv change at all manz. aiy0. hmm.. then bought a pair of slippers from charles n keith, cos da heels i was wearing was really killing mi. duno how my sis wears em.. how can she stand da pain ? oh well. maybe im just not used to wearing heels. anw, after that we were standing outside da vcd shop n watching kung fu which was showing on da tv, and we totally lost track of time ! haha. by da time we went up, we were 5mins late. tsk.shant say too much abt da show. altho its kinda like da Secret Window, but think i still prefer secret window more laa. kkz.. by then was 8pm lidat ? went Uncle Ringo ! hehehe. went to find liming n wantong.. then got a free teddy ! hurhur. thanx so much ! then i did go on da roller coaster in da end.. even tho it was so ex. 7.50 per head. dotss. they sure noe how to earn money ~ Escape is so much more worth it can. rotted there awhile, then helped da two to smuggle soft toy out.. a hippo n a monkey. hahaha. think ppl were giving mi weird looks, cos i was carrying these 3 soft toys arnd.went back cwp, watched da 9.35pm Moment to Remember. wheee ~ we`re so krazee rite ? haha. 2 movies in one day. hohoho. and.. da movie was so niceeee ! almost made mi cry. awww. there was this girl sitting a few seats away from mi.. she really cried out manz. loll. now i have two fav movies ! Windstruck n A Moment To Remember =Dmet with liming n wantong at mrt there to pass em da soft toy after da movie. walked down to da bus interchange before we realised da last bus has alrdy gone. so went back up, n took mrt, then lrt.darl bought mi da cable for mi phone ! hehee. as 2mths pressie i think ? hmm. wont get to celebrate our 2mths anw.. theres no 31st in feb o(-_-)=0 but wadever. now i can upload all da pics from mi hp to da com ! whee whoo ~then TODAY..went work lo.. wad else ? was so busy today thruout da afternoon, til 2+ then da flow started to die down. phew ~ da moment i stepped in, table8 was calling alrdy -.-" quickly wore da vest, just button one button only, then didnt even tie hair.. went over take order n do their drinks alrdy. haha. sucker for punishment. who ask mi always reach 10mins earlier. blehss. lunch today.. theres this veggie, duno wads it. then chai bo grouper. salted veggie soup ? erm. then onion egg. n lastly.. chilli crabs !! wahaha. my first time eating crab.. =X swakoo as usual.other than that.. also nth much to say. trying to rush da 2mths pressie im giving darl.. shhh. shant say wad it is.. if not no surprise. haha.ok laa. shall be gone now. nite.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
gawd. lemme just calm down n try to recap everything..
rite. upon da request of liming, i finally added a chatterbox in. altho its kinda screwing up mi whole blog page, but tagboard`s not working rite now. as soon as it is tho, im gonna switch over. still more familiar with it laa..
its 5.30am rite now. stoopid blogger.. wad did u do with my entry ! argh.
im still awake now.. and im hurting badly ! im in so much agony right now, n so 'appreciating' being a woman, so feeling da love from god above who cursed mi with this. darn. i wanna slp ! n forget abt da stoopid pain. ughh.
anyway.. later after waking up im gonna be going to da dentist ! hehehe. poor darl`s gonna hafta wait outside for mi. lol. im so excited ! im insane, i noe. haha. who in their right mind wld be excited abt visiting da dentist ? but well, thats just mi. i havent been to see a dentist since like aeons ago ? since i was sec1 or 2 i think. hahaha. gonna have my teeth checked n filled.. i have tooth decay ! eeks. dont fancy losing any teeth, thus da purpose for da visit. but simply hate it when they use da thingy to poke n pull n hook arnd ur teeth.. hurts ! but im still looking forward to it anw =)
and then after that gonna be going cwp ? to watch A Moment To Remember. n if theres still time, Hide And Seek too. hehehe. im so mad. n then will be visiting liming at uncle ringo ! cos shes working there. hmm.. i wanna go on da rollercoaster ! wanna feel my heart in my throat as da train goes whooshing down. wheee ~ lalalaa !
but still better try n get some rest right now. dont wanna end up looking like da walking dead later on =) stoopid blogger. u better dont lose this if not @#$@*&%#&^** ! =X
Thursday, February 17, 2005
questions have been plaguing mi these past few days. or shld i say.. week ? somehow, mr tan`s question keeps running circles round in mi head. "wad do i live for ?" its been almost 2yrs.. n im still unable to answer that.
wad do i live for, who do i live for ? myself ? no. theres nothing worthy within mi to enable mi to do so. wad abt for others ? who ?? toro ? wen n co ? darl ? yesh, altho they`re impt ppl in mi life.. sad to say, nope. not em too. not even darl..
as always, im gonna sound like a bitch again. well. da truth is.. i dont love him. so why am i with him ? dont ask mi, i wldnt noe how to answer u. i have feelings for him, yes. but.. not to da point where i can honestly say that i really love him. i`d be lying if i said i do.
am i cheating him of his feelings ? i hope not. i really appreciate all hes done for mi, how hes always so concerned abt mi before himself. im well aware of all these n his care n love. but yet.. im still unable to say that i truly love him.
n if ever u, lizhao, were to read this.. im really really sorrie. im not a good gf.. n i doubt i`ll ever learn to be.. sorrie for making u waste this past mth on mi.. n da more mths to come ?
feelings can fade. infatuations can fade. even da greatest love can fade. just like ur feelings for caro faded.
im not doubting u here.. seriously, im just doubting myself. i cant trust that im so gd til da point u`ll always stay by mi. i dont believe im so great.
da picture might look flawless n perfect on da outisde.. but how many layers actually reside within ? how many times was da picture actually painted over before da final one u set ur eyes upon ?
thats mi.
ive gone thru life so fast, gotten burnt so many times that i cant even keep track of who i really am anymore.
sometimes, when u think uve got hold of something.. its actually da opposite. ure further away from da goal than u were before. it was just an illusion to trick u, making u believe that ure finally safe from everything. n then it lets u drop down da cliff once again.. only deeper.
"i feel that rite now ure just standing on da edge of da cliff, n da moment da wind blows.. ure just going to fall if someone doesnt grab hold of u. but da thing is, u just let da person grab onto u.. neither helping nor struggling. and when da person loses strength n finally lets go of ur hand.. u blame noone but urself. u cant keep doing this to urself. its not right."
and when i look back, i realised.. susan lim actually understood mi so well in da past.. i hated all those counselling sessions with her, da hours i`d sit there listening to her talk. but sometimes.. da things she says just makes so much sense.
and why da hell am i thinking about all these when supposedly nths wrong ? after all, work is fine. things with darl are fne. i still keep in contact with my frens.. wad exactly is da prob here then ?
my life is going straight for once.. but. da colors are starting to fade away again. somehow, i cant find da point in breathing on anymore. maybe pain wld wake mi ?
or maybe, just maybe.. its time to have a lil chat with dr daniel fang again..
Monday, February 14, 2005
vday was nth much this yr.
partly due to mi not having da -vday mood- ?
duno laa.
xmas n cny was da same case too..
m00dless.
well, wad else can i say ?
im weird, i know. -shrugss
abnormal freako ~
spent vday with darl.. obviously. hahx.
bought couple tshirts from NWO.. n matching rings.
hmm.. altho im gonna be wearing that ring from now onwards..
i still wont give up da ring from zw..
cos im just too damn used to wearing it round my neck alrdy ?
call mi disloyal n wadever u want.
i simply wont. fullstop.
dont feel like elaborating too.
bought ayumi`s My Story today.
simply lurve About You.
sounds so rock yet her at da same time.
have yet to start my nightly exercises.
just too lazee to get muh ass off da bed.
darn.
stop procrastinating !
wanna become mo wan wan issit ?!
gawd.
i seriously need to lose weight.
n get rid of that tummy !
i can do this.
at least, i hope so. -crosses fingers
tml`s da Footdrill Com alrdy.
simply missed da days when we trained so hard everyday in da past.
even with just one mth`s time, we actually got Champ.
first n last trophy i had a part in winning for swiss sjab.
yesh, i miss those days badly.
da fun n laughter tgt, da hard work n punishments..
will this yr`s team make it ? doubt so.
not that im being mean okayy.. just lost faith in swiss sj alrdy.
still, all da best to em.!
make da seniors proud.. n most of all, dont let mr eric koh down.
have got this sudden urge to go shopping alone again.
think im becoming like ma xiaoling.
bad mood, go shopping like nobody`s business.
hahaha.
no really, im fine.
im so fabulously alrite. -sarcastic smirk
lady. who u tryna kid ?
god. pls stop messing up my mind.
someone pls do mi this favor n brainwash mi.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
i feel like theres so many tonnes of work lying around waiting for mi, but i can nv get round to doing em.
which also explains why ive added weight once again.
2 more kg n singapore can get rdy to sink into da big blue sea.
im gonna scream like nobody`s business then.
my poor feet hurts so so much rite now.
da peace chucks were so mean to mi !
and my left thumbnail broke !
it takes ages for my nails to grow.
now i`ll hafta wait again.
darn.
borrowed another 2bks today.
when i cant even finish da Double Impact whichs been lying on mi bed since end of jan ?
only one word: Insane.
forgot to water my Jack Bean yesterday.
forgot to again today.
gonna do it later..
n hope desperately it doesnt turn out distorted or something.
or worse, simply wilted.
haha.
if thats da case.. there goes my money ?
i feel so shit rite now..
n then.. guess wad ? i have no idea wad to write nxt. lOl.
so far ive watched Constantine, I Do I Do n Seoul Raiders alrdy. aint i fast ? -laughs. i know i am =) constantine`s da nicest of da 3, obviously. waiting for Feb17th.. Hide And Seek ! hurhur. gonna scare da wits off myself again.
sometimes da more u want something, u cant get it. n wad u dont wish for, it keeps happening. god has a frickin sadistic sense of humor ?
aw crap. duno wadahell im rambling on about. forget everything i said.
-gone.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
but yeah. i admit im thinking too much again lar. bleahs. still duno how to put all these feelings into words tho.. so i shant attempt to =)
i guess sometimes, running away from reality is a gd thing too. ignorance is indeed bliss at times.
well anyhoos.. CNY is here alrdy. just been to darl`s grandma`s hse to Bai Nian n eat steamboat. aww. n guess wad.? im gonna eat steamboat again later. eeeks.! help. cos its my mom`s bday today, then gonna eat steamboat together to sorta celebrate laa. bday dinner. boring ! haiss. im getting so fat ler can ?? yesterday had steamboat, today have TWO ! and i havent been exercising for like, aGeS ? goshh. i hope my weight doesnt hit 50kg.. if not i gonna scream da whole house down.
tml maybe going Bai Nian with xiaokang n co. hehee. i wanna go Bai Chi`s hse ! eat up all his Xia Bing again. wahaha. im so madd.
rite. shall end here. tatas.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
read thru caro`s blog.. only da latest 3 entries. 1 was before, da other 2 after. n even tho i have no reason wadsoever to feel this way, im guilty. i feel that im, in a way, da one who perished all her hopes of ever patching back with darl. i feel like da huge brick wall which`s blocking darl from returning to her.
it just makes no sense. cos from wad darl told mi, its caro who was da one who was being ridiculous n thats why they broke up. he said he doesnt have any feelings for her anymore.. so why am i feeling this huge sense of guiltiness right now ?
after all. when they broke up.. i wasnt in da picture yet. i only came in 3mths after that. im not da Di San Zhe.. am i ?
if i were her.. from her point of view, yesh. i am.
i think im silently going mad within.
Friday, February 04, 2005
why. i noe why. cos im afraid to feel happy n then in da end get myself broken again. cos i`d rather always remind myself to be mentally prepared than being surprised cruelly time n again by da guys ive cared for. i`d much rather hurt myself than give others da chance to hurt mi more. cos ive learnt that, just cos a guy says he`d nv hurt or leave u no matter wad.. sometimes, even when u really love him, u have no choice. u hafta doubt him. how many times have he said da same thing to others before u ? how can u be so sure he wont break his promises in da end ? yesh. maybe when da two of u are together, he may truly meant everything he said. BUT. da big ques is. does forever even exist ?
they say that da most touching promises are promises which arent realistic. promises of things such as bringing down da stars n moon for u, swearing to stay with u til forever n ever, that no matter who u become n how u change, he`d always stay.
but i dont believe in forever anymore. ive had my dreams of eternity shattered right before mi in da past, breaking my faith, my world, my fragile illusions of true love.
its not that i dont trust darl.. but. he told carolyn before that he`d always love her, will nv give up staying with her, will nv leave her no matter wad she does.. will always carry on loving her. n yet now ? seriously, its not that i dont trust him.. but seeing all this just leaves a veh sour feeling in my heart.
feel like such a bitch rite now. there he is, looking after mi n caring for mi so well, n all i can do is sit here n suspect his feelings for mi ? pls god, if u really mean mi well.. dont lemme make da same mistake i made with jing. just lemme rest my mind n finally, finally peacefully live out my life. please...
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
anw. after 16+ years.. i finally bought something from converse. a pair of light blue chuck taylors.. but ! aint for myself. loll. yesh.. i bought em for darl laa =) as our 1st mth pressie. first time buying from converse, n first time i spent so much on a pressie for someone. hurhur. he had better take gd care of da shoes.. if not my heart *piang* alrdy arhh ! hahaha.
still havent received my pay from hyatt ?? wassup ! cmon laa.. i noe its only 3days, but its 90bucks ok ! just gimme can. dont stingy til this way ! idiertic ~
oh yesh. Fighter In The Wind is a nicey show ! hohoho. it simply rawks !
_can u tell im updating for da sake of updating ? wahaha_