natalieee // linGz.
.ilu* lizhao =) #
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
Friday, November 12, 2004
da whole day thru. my mind keeps on playback. going thru da whole experience again n again. im really tired. just brainwash mi pls. at least da gd news is, i have dreamless sleep.. if i still dream of it when i slp, im telling u. im moving to hougang n staying there.
whichs not such a bad idea really. seeing da nail marks on my arm.. da swollen lil finger which came from clamping my jaws with. da tenderness at near da elbow where i bit myself to stop from screaming. im seriously considering going for appointments again, if only to stop my mind from rewinding.
i keep thinking of how he slapped mi. da first person whos ever done so. congrats huh. NoT. how he gave 2choices- either cooperate, or he`d force himself on mi all da same. how he took my hand n made mi touch his erection. i was so totally grossed out. da way i was so helpless, cos i knew i cldnt hit him.. if i did, he`d hit mi back twice as hard. cldnt scream either, cos all hell wld break loose if his family wakes. his temper isnt something to be trifled with. only cld bite or grip into myself.. trying hard not to scream n cry. ive nv felt such terror in my life.. n da worst thing was, i cldnt get outta there.. cos da key was broken into half.. with half of it inside da lock. simply fabulous.
he took away wad remaining innocence i had left. took away da trust i have in ppl. those were da most horrible 3hrs of my life. n then plus i stayed there til 8am+ til his mom woke n picked da lock. da worst possible night i ever cld have. i didnt slp a wink. when i got home, bathed for ages.. n then went work. didnt stay there long tho.. only 10mins n i was gone. i cldnt deal with ppl asking ques why im so upset.
i tot i knew him.. n then he did this to mi. when i msged him asking whether did he seriously cared for mi or was just playing.. he replied he really care for mi de. how do u expect mi to believe that ?
but da thing is.. i dont hate him. when i was there, yes i did. hated him to hell n back. hoped he`d rot in hell n burn there forever. but now ? i dont hate him. only myself for stoopidly trusting him. for giving him da chance to ruin mi. i dont even blame him either.
im not even gonna name him out. even if i do somehow have da guts to confide in someone, i`ll still leave out his name. why tell ppl who he is when theres just nth they cld do cept beat da crap outta him ?
how sad cld i get. to even be able to forgive someone for this.
just stop rewinding.. im really tired.