#o9// swEEt drEams.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

i feel like im falling into da deep chasm again.. n i have absolutely no idea why this is happening once more..

questions have been plaguing mi these past few days. or shld i say.. week ? somehow, mr tan`s question keeps running circles round in mi head. "wad do i live for ?" its been almost 2yrs.. n im still unable to answer that.

wad do i live for, who do i live for ? myself ? no. theres nothing worthy within mi to enable mi to do so. wad abt for others ? who ?? toro ? wen n co ? darl ? yesh, altho they`re impt ppl in mi life.. sad to say, nope. not em too. not even darl..

as always, im gonna sound like a bitch again. well. da truth is.. i dont love him. so why am i with him ? dont ask mi, i wldnt noe how to answer u. i have feelings for him, yes. but.. not to da point where i can honestly say that i really love him. i`d be lying if i said i do.

am i cheating him of his feelings ? i hope not. i really appreciate all hes done for mi, how hes always so concerned abt mi before himself. im well aware of all these n his care n love. but yet.. im still unable to say that i truly love him.

n if ever u, lizhao, were to read this.. im really really sorrie. im not a good gf.. n i doubt i`ll ever learn to be.. sorrie for making u waste this past mth on mi.. n da more mths to come ?

feelings can fade. infatuations can fade. even da greatest love can fade. just like ur feelings for caro faded.

im not doubting u here.. seriously, im just doubting myself. i cant trust that im so gd til da point u`ll always stay by mi. i dont believe im so great.

da picture might look flawless n perfect on da outisde.. but how many layers actually reside within ? how many times was da picture actually painted over before da final one u set ur eyes upon ?
thats mi.

ive gone thru life so fast, gotten burnt so many times that i cant even keep track of who i really am anymore.

sometimes, when u think uve got hold of something.. its actually da opposite. ure further away from da goal than u were before. it was just an illusion to trick u, making u believe that ure finally safe from everything. n then it lets u drop down da cliff once again.. only deeper.

"i feel that rite now ure just standing on da edge of da cliff, n da moment da wind blows.. ure just going to fall if someone doesnt grab hold of u. but da thing is, u just let da person grab onto u.. neither helping nor struggling. and when da person loses strength n finally lets go of ur hand.. u blame noone but urself. u cant keep doing this to urself. its not right."

and when i look back, i realised.. susan lim actually understood mi so well in da past.. i hated all those counselling sessions with her, da hours i`d sit there listening to her talk. but sometimes.. da things she says just makes so much sense.

and why da hell am i thinking about all these when supposedly nths wrong ? after all, work is fine. things with darl are fne. i still keep in contact with my frens.. wad exactly is da prob here then ?

my life is going straight for once.. but. da colors are starting to fade away again. somehow, i cant find da point in breathing on anymore. maybe pain wld wake mi ?

or maybe, just maybe.. its time to have a lil chat with dr daniel fang again..

twinkling*stars @ 12:29 AM